Chronicles from Tom’s Diner: Chapter Lois

Tom’s has new glossy oxblood seat cushions.  They sparkle when the light hits them just right.  This reminds you of when James pulled up in his brother’s Hudson.  The way the street lamps reflected off the silver front and cranberry paint shimmered in the evening light—that same dark red.  “Hmm,” was all your mother managed at first.  Your father remained silent.  From the porch, they observed in their chairs.  The cigarette burning between your father’s lips, your mother fanning the smoke away in the thick June humidity.  You stood in the doorway, behind the screen door.  James parked in the street and steadily walked up to the porch.  Your father rose.  Small beads of sweat began to form on your forehead.  “Lois, are you well?” Helen asks you “You look a little flustered.”  James and Arthur look at you now.  “Oh no,” you say softly.  “It’s just—a little warm in here.  I think.  Don’t you?”  You put out your cigarette and reach for the handkerchief in your purse.  Dabbing the sweat from your head, “There.  That’s better.”  You smile.  Helen does too.  Arthur continues on with what he was saying: “Where was I?  Oh right, the fellas are thinking about going up to Briggins Lake for next weekend, just the guys.  Joe’s family has a place right there on the lake.  Some good fishin’ up there, I’m told.  Fish about this big,” Arthur shows—his hands spread far apart.  James nods.  “Maybe.  I’ll think about it.”  “Yeah.  Let me know soon.  Don’t feel like you have to pass up the offer.  We’d love to have you come along.”  “Well that sounds nice,” Helen adds with a smile.  She looks at you.  “Lois, are you sure you’re well?  You have barely touched your meal.”  James looks over at your plate.  You bring your hands back to the table in a pointless effort to hide the truth.  The two slices of ham and cheese sandwich have identically small voids towards the center; the French fries remain golden and untouched, as with the oblong pool of catsup rimming the plate.  Your chocolate malt half drank with the fluff of whipped cream still intact.  You observe everyone’s plate is empty save yours—except the tomatoes Arthur forgot to ask to be excluded from his Fried Chicken Club Sandwich.  “Oh… I suppose that cigarette was a bad idea.  Must have ruined my appetite.  You think one of the boys might want some of this?” you ask James.  He does not answer at first.  His focus remains on your meal.  Arthur and Helen look on in silence.  Michael would eat this.  Michael loves ham and cheese.  You cannot practically get him to eat anything else.  And Dale, Dale would eat French fries.  Those are easy enough for him to manage.  Catsup and French fries and a bit of water and he will love it.  Michael too.  “We’ll bring it home,” James mutters.  Your hands rest on your lap.  You straighten your dress.  As James tuned the radio to the specified station you observed your reflection in the window.  Perspiration began forming on your cheeks and bridge of your nose.  Cautiously you pulled your handkerchief from your small hand purse.  Mother bought you the purse at Charlemagne’s along with those white gloves for Sundays and other formal matters.  You quickly dabbed your face and placed the handkerchief back.  The rain fell hard as the movie began.  The Water That Rises.  “An inane teenage summer movie.  Not worth the trouble,” wrote David Harelston from the newspaper.  The windows were slightly open.  Rain fell on the gravel adding a low dissonance.  You could barely understand what was being said because of the static on the airwaves.  James played with the rotary knob but no use.  He leaned back into the bench and watched.  The windows became more opaque on account of the humidity.  You wanted to roll the window down more but your hands stayed in your lap, grasping the purse.  The Water That Rises was not worth the trouble.  Only twenty minutes in and you knew it was a typical low-budget double feature.  Your eyes began to lose focus.  James stayed diligent.  His eyes slightly strained, a slight quizzical expression on his face.  He was starting to perspire as well.  The sweat began to form at his temple and gradually worked down the cheek, tracing along his faint jaw line.  The Hudson engine hummed quietly.  Behind the car, the red-hued exhaust slowly rose through the rain and dissipated into the night.  A thick layer of precipitation accumulated on the windshield.  James turned the wipers.  In the car directly ahead of you the silhouette of two lovers formed one uncoordinated shape moving awkwardly back and forth.  You felt a sudden rush in your cheeks.  Opening your purse, you reached for the handkerchief again.  Dabbing your face, the window is wide open.  The smell of your ham and cheese sandwich rises from the floor between your feet.  James turns down the radio.  “You know.  That was an eighty cent meal you didn’t finish.”  You press the handkerchief against the back of your neck and place it in your purse.  James’s focus shifts between you and the road.  “Yes.”  “Yes?”  “Yes.  I’m sorry.  I wasn’t feeling well.”  Very calmly, he says, “Did you not feel well before or after you decided to order?”  You look at your legs.  The stockings cover your stubble.  You were going to shave today, but never had a moment.  “Lois?”  “Yes.”  “Yes what?”  “Before.”  James does not respond.  “The boys will eat it.”  He remains silent.  The wind becomes stronger.  Your hair becomes unruly and you roll up the window.  “I’ve just felt a little nauseous all day is all.  It rained so we couldn’t go outside.  The boys just stayed inside.  Judy would not stop crying.”  James sighs.  Your jaw clenches and lips tighten.  Rain begins to fall, a light shower.  Pressing your head against the glass, the coolness brings relief.  Small droplets begin to form and fall.  Your eyes follow one’s descent.  Slowly at first, it sinks down until reaching another droplet where upon its speed increases.  This repeats.  One after another, the more it links the faster it falls.  You witness the sporadic downward path of interdependence.  “Do you remember when you came and picked me up in your brother’s car?  And it rained at the drive-in?”  Silence.  You look over.  James stays fixed on road.  Windshield wipers move back and forth, back and forth.  Rain falls and is wiped away, and falls again.  “James?”  He turns the radio up.  “The new DC-7 by Douglas.  An innovative advancement in aviation.  New.  Larger fuselage and bigger, newer, more powerful engine to make trips across the Atlantic a breeze.  Yes.  Enjoy all the technological advancements Douglas Aircraft can afford you while you make that trip to London, or ole Paris.  With the new Douglas DC-7, there isn’t a place you cannot go.  Douglas Aircraft will keep you flying around the world.”  By the time you return home, the rain stops.  Barbara sits patiently on the couch watching television.  “Welcome back Mr. and Mrs. Kable.”  “Evening Barbara,” James says, taking off his shoes.  He heads straight for the bedroom.  “How were the children?” you ask.  “Oh fine.  Just fine.  Michael and I watched TV and Dale played with his truck.”  “And Judy?  She didn’t give you any trouble I hope?”  “No.  She was an angel.”  You nod.  James comes back and says he’ll walk Barbara back to her house.  While they are gone, you put the food away.  Closing the refrigerator door a sudden sensation overcomes you.  Your stomach turns.  Running to the bathroom you cover your mouth.  As you open the bathroom door you spit up a little in your hand.  You do not make it to the toilet, settling for the sink.  What little you had from the diner you quickly wash down the sink.  You stare back at your self in the mirror.  Strands of hair have broken away from your bun.  Your face is pallid.  Your lower lip quivers then stops.  You bite down on it.  Oh dear.  What now?  Betty Wayne came down with a sickness not too long ago.  Some kind of fever.  The doctor gave her medicine.  It went away.  Maybe call her tomorrow.  See what she thinks.  Maybe call Helen.  No need for anything else.  Just a cold.  And that’s all.  Some fever that will pass in no time.  Michael had a summer cold not too long ago.  James wasn’t pleased.  Best get out of this dress.  Remember to do laundry tomorrow.  After breakfast.  Did Barbara remember to change Judy’s diaper?  That’s why she was crying today.  Poor thing.  Too much.  It was just too much for her.  It was too much for her to take.  And so she cried.  Poor thing.  Cried and cried and eventually it got taken care of.  Eventually.  You lie in bed and close your eyes hoping to fall asleep before James comes back.  You try not to let any thoughts enter your mind, but this makes you think of all the things you have to do tomorrow: wake-up, brush teeth, dress, wake children, change Judy, feed Judy, feed the boys, feed James, change Judy, dress the boys, wash the whites, wash the dishes, play with the boys, change Judy, hang the whites, wash the colors, dry dishes, prepare lunch, feed Judy, feed James and the boys, change Judy, bathe Judy, dress Judy, fold the whites, hang the colors, wash the socks and undergarments, vacuum the rooms, make Judy take a nap, fold the colors, hang the socks and undergarments, start preparing dinner, thaw the meat, cut the vegetables, boil the water, preheat the oven, wake Judy, feed Judy, change Judy, do not dry out the roast, do not cut your fingers, separate and pair the socks and undergarments, feed James and the boys, feed Judy, change Judy, put Judy to bed, put the boys to bed, iron James’s shirt and pants for tomorrow morning, lay out your Sunday dress, clean the dishes, dry the dishes, and you always manage to forget several in-betweens.  James comes home.  Lying on your side, eyes closed, you hope he will think you are asleep.  You listen to him undress.  Then he pulls back the covers and lies down.  Your skin tenses as his hand runs along your ribs.  “I’d rather not.”  Did you say that aloud?  No.  Not you.  Even if, he did not hear.  He comes closer.  You press your eyelids tightly together as he pulls up your nightgown.  You try to get ready for him but with the fever and nausea you just cling tightly to the sheets and wait.  James wraps his arm around you.  Seconds turn to minutes.  Your focus goes elsewhere.  The windows were completely opaque as the second feature began.  Somewhere West.  No review.  James inched closer to you.  “Have you ever done anything like this before?” he asked you.  You lied.  He smiled.  You hesitated, but then smiled back.  You open your eyes afterwards.  “James.  Do you remember when you picked me up in that red car?”  He moans.  You focus on the silence.  In the darkness, eyes wide, you wait for something more.  The sounds of crickets singing outside in the grass, a light breeze against the blinds, the air is thick, cars pass by on Lewis, a low hum runs constant, a door closes.  As he rolls back to his side, you fix yourself and close your eyes.  “James,” you whisper one last time.  “I never liked that car.”

Trundling an Empty Barrow Up the Lane: Nabokov’s Pale Fire: Part 2

The focus now shifts to the moral of Nabokov’s Pale Fire: a profound attempt of capturing humanity’s perturbation with mortality and the relationship Art (specifically literature) plays.  Many literary critics have dissected and attempted precise explication of the novel.[1]  Among them, Bryan Boyd is often the most quoted, read critic of Nabokov’s work and life—and specifically his novel Pale Fire.[2]  In his 1997 essay, “Shade and Shape of Pale Fire”, Boyd re-evaluates his previous “Shadean” stance—the notion that the entire Pale Fire (i.e. Foreword, Poem, Commentary, Index) was all written by John Shade and not portions by Charles Kinbote—and adopts a more balanced view of who wrote what, as well as the potential moral.[3]  In providing analysis of Pale Fire some objections to Boyd’s conclusions will be raised.  For the most part, though, Boyd’s observations and conclusions are agreeable.[4]

            Mirrors.  One prevalent motif throughout the novel is the imagery of mirrors.  Subtle at first, one slowly begins to realize the mastery of Nabokov’s work at play.  Mirrors, of course, reflect an image in reverse.  Nabokov applied this to his novel in several ways.  Be it in the reversing of words or names (Hazel Shade’s “mirror words” and twisting T.S. Eliot as “toilest” and Jakob Gradus—Shade’s eventual assassin—becomes Sudarg of Bokay the “mirror genius”), or places (Kinbote’s wild kingdom of Zembla juxtaposed with Shade’s passive New Wye), or people (Shade and Kinbote are very much opposites).[5]  Staying within the idea of reflections, the reader must take one step further and allow for self-reflection.  Fictional literature is a reflection of one’s reality (as both the author intended and the reader sees it).  Upon examining fiction, the reader should reflect and consider the possible relationship literature has with the world in which he or she exists.  Through examining the mirror world, one gains a better understanding of one’s own.  This fact plays a crucial role in Pale Fire.[6]

            Death.   Throughout the novel the reader is presented with death.  Either in Kinbote’s Foreword (the recollection of Shade’s death, or hinting his own potential suicide), in Shade’s magnum opus (where the imagery of death permeates the poem—especially with Hazel Shade), or in Kinbote’s Commentary (mainly in the narrative of Gradus’s westward journey), the idea of death is never too far from the reader’s mind.  The very first sentence of Pale Fire introduces Shade’s death “…(born July 5, 1898, died July 21, 1959)…”.[7]  In the poem, the fist line reads: “I was the shadow of the waxwing slain” another introduction to death—also another example of Nabokov’s double: Shade is the shadow of the waxwing slain.[8]  The remembrance of Hazel Shade in the poem and Kinbote’s notes reflect thoughts of the afterlife.[9]  Nabokov consistently relays this message of death.  Here the moral begins to show itself.  The reader cannot escape death.  Even as Kinbote flees from the majestic Zembla to the bucolic New Wye, he cannot.  He brings death with him.[10]  Gradus is the personification of death.  And even in the suburban Arcadia, death is there too.  This is exactly what Shade tries to communicate to Kinbote in his poem, but not to fear death.  Boyd suggests that the first line of the poem should be read as the last, suggesting life after death.[11]  Though the first line may double as the last, it might not necessarily point towards afterlife.  What could just as easily be true about the cyclicality of life is that death plays a part, and that the two are not mutually exclusive, so one should embrace both in toto.  Embracing mortality is embracing one’s humanity.

            Whatever the interpretations might be, and Nabokov left enough room for many, what is unequivocal is Nabokov’s success at revealing humanity’s struggle with their least favorite attribute: impermanence: and where Art (in this case literature) goes along in the endless endeavor.  That is Pale Fire’s greatness.

---

[1] For further reading consideration: Will Norman, Duncan White, Transitional Nabokov, (London, Peter Lang Publishing: 2009); Geoffrey W. Erwin, Pale Fire: A Novel of Mirrors: Reflections and Resemblances—A Study, (Washington DC, Georgetown University Press: 1990); L.S. Dembo, Nabokov: The Man and His Work, (Madison, Wisconsin University Press: 1967); Paul Duncan Morris, Vladimir Nabokov: Poetry and the Lyric Voice, (Toronto, University of Toronto Press: 2010); Bryan Boyd, Vladimir Nabokov: The American Years, (Princeton, Princeton University Press: 1993).

[2] In his 2001 publishing of Nabokov’s Pale Fire: The Magic of Artistic Discovery, Boyd recants his previous Shadean analysis in The American Years (1993) and provides a more accurate analysis of Nabokov’s novel.  The bulk of Nabokov’s Pale Fire centers around the ideas promoted in his essay “Shade and Shape in Pale Fire” (1997), which most of this criticism will be focused.

[3] For the entire essay: http://www.libraries.psu.edu/nabokov/boydpf1.htm

[4] Boyd makes very valid points.  By no means is his analysis to be disregarded.  However, neither are they to be taken without incredulity.  In this phase of critical analysis, the boundaries do not always have to be agreed upon.

[5] Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire, (New York, Vintage: 1989), 80, 193, 314

[6] Nabokov enjoyed playing with the idea of doubles, and often used the idea of “mirrors” in his novels—especially later on in his career.  For further reading: Despair, Lolita, Ada or Ador, Look at the Harlequins!

[7] Nabokov, 11.

[8] Ibid. 33.; Boyd makes this argument in his essay “Shade and Shape,” 6.

[9] Boyd makes an interesting point in his essay (17) that Nabokov hints at supernaturalism in relation to Hazel Shade’s encounter with the phantom or phantasm that predicts the death of her father (188).  Perhaps, but this critic is dubious.

[10] An interesting connection can be made between Kinbote’s escape from Europe to the New World in search of a better life—mainly void from death—and Pastoralism.  What is Pastoralism?  Without losing too much focus: in the 1950s and 60s, two literary scholars, and progenitors of the American Studies field, Henry Nash Smith (with his book Virgin Land) and Leo Marx (The Machine in the Garden) studied apparent themes within literature concerning the New World (and eventually the United States) as an untamed land with infinite possibilities.   These themes would form the notion of Pastoralism (and would eventually be studied and taught within the “Myth and Symbol” school of study for the nascent American Studies).  To be succinct: Pastoralism is linked to escapism, and eventually leads back to humanity’s struggle with mortality.  Pastoralism plays a significant role in Americanism. 

[11] Boyd, 26.

Trundling an Empty Barrow Up the Lane: Nabokov’s Pale Fire: Part 1

Vladimir Nabokov’s Pale Fire is one of the great novels of the post-War era—of the English-language.[1]  Such a superlative requires some vindication.  Allow me.  What constitutes a great novel?  Well, one could have long, laborious dialectical discussions on such a question only to end up with what they had from the beginning: nothing.  Subjectivity is a merciless paradox.  All and none are correct.  And when one criticizes literature, music, film, or the arts etc. etc., the need for order becomes an imperative.[2]  So in order to evaluate, one must first create some boundaries—ultimately understanding said boundaries are illusory, but still necessary.  Once perimeters are agreed justifiable, establishment follows.  When one individual sets the borders alone, he or she freely accepts them and thus plays within his or her own rules—free to change them whenever it behooves the individual.  This becomes inadequate when applying critical analyses on a macro-level.  Therefore when dealing with a broader scale, the communal element must apply.  At this point, the critic looks at the other great literary solons of both past and present.  Once he or she can reach an agreement with the community (in this case: an agreement on the attributes of a “Great” novel), the boundaries can be established.[3]    Looking back, when one thinks of some of the capital G “Greats” (i.e. the “Greatest Novels of the English-Language in Such-And-Such-An-Epoch”) what comes to mind?[4]  According to the Modern Library (a subsidiary of Random House publishing), the best novel of the twentieth century was James Joyce’s Ulysses.[5]  Larry McCaffery (well-known literary critic and former professor of post-modern literature) wrote in the American Book Review in 1999, that Pale Fire was the greatest 20^th Century novel, stating: “[Pale Fire is the] most audaciously conceived novel of the century-and the most perfectly executed-this is also the book whose existence could have been the most difficult to anticipate in the year 1900.”[6]  Indeed.  Others claim Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, de Cervantes’ Don Quixote, even Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged as the jötnar of their literary realm.  Irrespective of what novel sits atop the conjectural lists, one can begin to notice broad, overarching similarities between the novels.  These similarities become the foundations for judging a novel as a Great.  Most of the Greats contain some acute observation of the “human condition” or the world humanity inhabits and the symbiotic relationship between both.[7]  The Greats often succeed in revealing realities within the contexts of fantasy. And at times a novel is considered a masterpiece because it per se revolutionizes the literary world—like Joyce’s Ulysses.[8]  All the while entertaining the reader.[9]  The Greats do all of these in some capacity with much gravitas, a balance of quality and quantity, pious yet playful.  Pale Fire is one of these novels.  It addresses humanity’s struggle with mortality, and the relationship Art plays in the struggle.  Whilst simultaneously exploring the form and structure of fictional writing—creating a novel novel. Like Ulysses, it is a novel for literature, and like Moby Dick, it is as much for the masses.  While literary critics, scholars, or those with a penchant for such, will lionize the novel for its many allusions to other bodies of work or the unique structure and impact on the post-modern literary world; the casual reader (with enough patience and keen eye) will appreciate the underlying moral, and have fun navigating the labyrinth Nabokov created.

---

[1] Of course, this entire review is the personal opinion of one individual.  Subjectivity is not irrevocable.

[2] Note: Criticism is not meant pejoratively here, rather a formal intellectual judgment, or observation. 

[3] This does not always come to fruition—these things seldom do.  Often times a loose nucleus is created in which dissenting opinions form the outer nebulous, and the conforming ones draw closer to one point.  Never a true establishment, but when building a house of cards one must accept instability.

[4] Answering this question will help answer the initial one.

[5] Modern Library, “100 Best Novels: The Board’s List,” Random House, Inc., http://www.modernlibrary.com/top-100/100-best-novels/ (accessed August 5, 2011).  Many readers are of the opinion James Joyce’s Ulysses ranks high above the rest.  Indeed a solid paragon, but often an overused standard that, ironically, diminishes the greatness of the novel.

[6] Larry McCaffery, “The 20th Century's Greatest Hits: 100 English Language Books of Fiction,” American Book Review 20, vol. 6 (1999).  McCaffery placed Joyce’s Ulysses in second, Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow in third, and Ellison’s Invisible Man and DeLillo’s Underworld in the top twenty—even including Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho on the list.  A man after this critic’s own heart.  For the entire list: http://www.spinelessbooks.com/mccaffery/100/index.html

[7] “Human condition” consumes every aspect of being “human” in multiple conditions (i.e. philosophy, psychology, sociology, biology, anthropology, theology, cultural studies, economics, etc. etc.).

[8] Debate still carries on in certain circles about how much impact Ulysses had on the literary world, but little doubt can be had for what the novel meant for the Modernist movement.

[9] Or, at least, enough of them.

To The End: Monday: 10

I have a daily routine.  At 6:15 I will get out of my bed, slip on my scuffs and morning robe, and enter the adjacent bathroom.  I brush my teeth and floss.  Then I wash my face with hot water, lather, and shave.  Afterwards, I shower, dress back into my scuffs and morning robe, and go to the kitchen.  All of this should not take more than an hour because I want to prepare breakfast before 7:30 so that I may eat while watching the Gene Almann Morning Show.  Monday breakfasts usually consist of two eggs over medium and some whole wheat toast with butter and honey, a mug of hazelnut coffee with a teaspoon of Ovaltine poured in along with Half & Half.  Setting the proper amount of time between cooking the eggs and brewing the coffee is paramount in the breakfast leg of my morning routine.  Too long will leave the eggs harder than preferred, possibly burnt.  And too short leaves no room for properly mixing the Ovaltine while also spreading the butter over the toast.  I like real butter.  My daughter, Belle, once suggested yogurt butter, but I can tell the difference.  She said it was for my health, but I just read in the paper the other day about a study depicting the dangers of too much soy in the male diet—one of the main ingredients of the “healthier” yogurt butter.  The study showed a relationship between high soy intake and male impotence.  I laughed when I first read the article.  At my age, I really do not need to worry about such things.  Irrespective of the medical facts, I prefer natural butter, mostly because I can taste the difference.  You cannot replace authentic with synthetic.  I can taste it.

            Gene Almann has on teens and the recent “epidemic” permeating society: sexting.  As I pile some of the egg white onto my whole wheat, Gene asks one of the teens—an overweight fourteen-year-old girl—how often she sexts with her boyfriend—a seventeen-year-old with poor acne and a bad hair cut.  “I don’t know.  Uh—I think—um—like, everyday?”  Gasps.  The camera pans over the crowd.  Mothers in pastel sundresses cover their agape mouths.  Gene repositions the glasses on her nose.  “You’re not sure?”  The girl, Grace, looks around before answering in her timorous voice.  “Well… like, yeah.  I mean… I do it a lot.  Like, everyday.”  She looks to her boyfriend, Lance.  He has a reproachable smirk on his face.  “And how often in the day?”  “I don’t know.  We text.  And sometimes we sext.  I don’t know.  Uh… a lot.”  “So much so, you cannot even give us an estimate?”  “Um,” she rolls her eyes in contemplation.  “Yeah?”  Gasps again, the mothers are nonplussed.  Gene remains stoic.  Lance continues to snicker.  Some of the yoke drips onto my morning robe.  “Shoot.”  I get up from the table and wet a hand towel.  While rubbing the yoke out of my robe Gene asks Lance, “Now, Lance, how old are you again?”  Smiling, he states, “Seventeen.”  “Was this your idea?”  “What?”  “To sext?”  “What?”  “To send sexually explicit text messages to Grace.  Was it your idea?”  Lance looks over to Grace, who is on the precipice of crying.  He judges her body language incredulously.  “Look.  I think this is stupid.”  “What is?”  “This,” his arms widen as he looks around the studio.  “I mean, come on, sexting?  You gave it a name?”  He motions between Grace and himself.  “We talk exactly like we text.  No difference.  It happens.  Deal with it.”  “So it was your idea?”  “To do what?”  “To sext,” Gene says again, her tone more strict.  “I didn’t invent it, if that’s what you’re saying,” he laughs.  The girl next to him, Francesca, smiles.  “I will not let you make a mockery of my show, Lance.”  “I don’t think you need my help.”  “That’s enough of your condescension, thank you.”  “Whatever.”  Gene turns back to Grace.  “Grace,” she chooses her next words carefully.  “Have you ever sent pictures of yourself to Lance, through texts?  Explicit photos?  Like Francesca had?”  Grace looks up.  Her chin sinks into her neck.  “I—” she looks over at Lance, then Francesca, who is examining her nails.  “—no.”  She quickly silences herself.  “Is that the truth?  It seems like you are hiding something, Grace.  You certainly seem to be carrying a lot of guilt.”  “No thanks to you,” Lance chimes in.  “I’m not the one who got her into this,” Grace bites.  “This is lame,” Lance crosses his arms.  “Why is that?  Are you afraid you won’t look cool if you don’t act like this?  Do you need to keep this façade going for all your male friends watching at home?”  “Yes,” Lance says sarcastically.  “Because all my friends are home watching Gene Almann today.”  Francesca laughs.  Even Grace smiles.  “Lance, why did you even come on the show today?  Did you even want to seek help?”  “For what!?”  “The way you are treating your fourteen-year-old girlfriend, Grace, here—and the way millions of males like yourself are treating girls like Grace and Francesca—you should want to get help.  This is an issue spreading rampantly, affecting young girls throughout the nation—even cases of prepubescent girls sexting.”  Gasps.  I drop my toast.  “Cases?” Lance says.  “You’re degrading women.”  “Saying I want to _________________ is a bad thing?”  The crowd is shocked.  Some boo him.  One woman stands and Gene gives her the microphone.  “This kind of talk is exactly what is wrong with society today.”  Others around her nod in concurrence.  I nod, too.  More boo.  Gene has to quiet them down so Lance can speak.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What’s wrong with this?  Isn’t this natural.  Like it’s been going on for centuries… and now like that it’s in a new form of technology it’s the worst thing ever?  Like how is giving _______ sexist?  And how is texting about it the end of civilization?”  More hissing and boos.  Gene shakes her head.

            On my second cup of coffee I watch Shopping Smart with Jim and Sue.  Most shows consist of four to five items based around a theme, and the couple review and encourage viewers to purchase said goods.  This episode’s theme is “Making Life Easier.”  The first item is an egg holder.  “Now, I know what you’re going to say,” Sue addresses Jim enthusiastically.  “You do?” Jim says with the same energy.  “Yes.  You’re going to tell me this is just three spoons attached to one another.”  “Well…” he smiles.  “It does look like that to me.”  “Well, you’d be right.”  They share a laugh.  “But its also about how efficient an instrument it is,” she continues.  “This utility is extremely effective at what it was designed for.”  “And it is so sleek-looking.”  “That’s exactly what I was going to say, Jim!”  Sue pats him on the stomach.  He doubles over.  They laugh.  “Stole the words right out of my mouth.  Again.”  The next item is a cup with a niche at the bottom for one to store cookies, crumpets, coasters, etc. etc. Looking down at my mug I contemplate picking up the phone and ordering one.  I decide against it.  Jim and Sue also show me a banana case, a one-size-fits-all plastic container for the owner to stick his or her banana in and protect it from “damage from outside forces;” a day clock that shows the day of the week “so that you never get confused.”  “Jim’s always confused about those things.”  “Sue.  I thought I told you I didn’t like to talk about that!”  They laugh.  I like watching the show mostly because Jim and Sue make me smile.  An enthusiastic optimism about them: that’s the good thing about the two.  Sometimes they have good deals.  Like the last item: a penguin tea timer.  I end up placing an order for one—paying for it in six easy installments of $6.95 plus tax and shipping and handling.  Belle will like this.  I know.  She likes tea.  She also likes penguins.  I remember when we went to the fair once, and I won her a stuffed penguin.  Pinky the Penguin was his name, even though he was a regular tuxedo rock-hopper penguin.  She loved him, went everywhere with him.  Not sure what happened to him, but I’m sure she’ll enjoy the tea timer.

            After my second cup of hazelnut brew I have my morning bowel movement.  These are important.  More than following the routine, having multiple movements in one day is the sign of a well-functioning digestive system.  I pride myself on mine.

            At noon I am to be in Dr. Hague’s office.  Exiting the bathroom, I enter my bedroom and remove my morning robe.  I have a routine when I dress myself.  First, I place my robe back in the closet next to my evening robe and smoking jacket—the latter I have not worn in quite some time.  Opening the top left drawer of my dresser I select my socks.  Since I plan on going for a walk down to the park, I choose a sportier sock.  Sitting on the edge of my bed I put my socks on—left, then right.  In the drawer just beneath my socks are neatly folded white T-shirts.  I put one on.  Then I select a pair of slacks from the bottom drawer of my dresser.  Again, sitting on the edge of my bed I put them on—again left, then right.  I do not inspect the fit of my slacks just yet.  I tuck my T-shirt into my slacks, zip and button.  In my walk-in closet is a selection of belts.  My socks are grey-tipped high-cut whites, and slacks an off-khaki.  Black seems the safest bet, so I grab one of my many black belts off the holder in the closet and apply it to my person.  Now at this point I do not buckle my belt.  Instead, I unbutton and unzip my slacks and select a shirt to wear.  I choose a white button-up with no breast pocket.  Halfway through buttoning up the white shirt I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, have second thoughts, and decide to go with a light blue button-up with a breast pocket.  I zip, button, and finally buckle my belt—fastening it tightly around my waistline.  In the faux-foyer of my ranch-themed house I finish the rest of my wardrobe.  Shoes from Sketchers the doctor suggested I try for my lower-back problems.  And finally I put on my light spring jacket—the one with two inside pockets and flaps to cover the outside ones.  Fully dressed, I grab my keys from the bowl on the kitchen counter—next to my wallet and my prescription Zaroxolyn—and head out for the park.

            The ground is finally beginning to soften as winter makes its swan song.  I can smell the melted ice and thawing earth as I walk.  A block ahead some children play in the front yard.  Witnessing children outside makes me smile.  I remember when Belle was that age, playing with the neighbors back on Romaine Street.  She drew pictures of her dream house with a purple sun and green clouds, and Willy—Bo and Cheryl’s son from 403—would come over and pretend to be the husband.  Meryl fed them apple slices with her own homemade caramel, and lemonade.  Belle and the sisters, Nancy and Emily, from down the street rolled down the hill behind our house.  A huge man-made hill, left over from a failed building project.  The money dried up and this gigantic mound of dirt remained.  Slowly the grass began to grow there and after a year and a half no one could tell it was not a natural formation.  She loved that hill.  All the kids did.  Run up and down that hill all day and night.  Spring, summer, fall, winter, always playing on that hill.  Getting dirt all over their clothes.  Making the wives upset.  All on Romaine Street.  I used to take long walks back then, too, though for different reasons than now.  A lot is.  The children lower their voices as I pass by, careful not to make eye contact with me.  This troubles me.  All I want is for one of them to look up at me and notice me—just one glance.  The three girls talk about what type of drink they would like poured from the lone magical teapot.  One wants tea, the other coffee, the other milk.  The little boy and girl making drawings on the sidewalk talk about what colors they like best.  The girl: yellow.  The boy: orange.  He is making a spaceship, she a flowerbed.  Our paths will cross and one will have to look up at me.  Just one look is all I need.  To be noticed.  But the moment comes and goes.  They keep talking, and pouring, and drawing, and ignoring.  And I pass them by.  Only two blocks until I arrive at the park.  The light jacket I wore may have been not enough.  When the wind blows it passes right through me.  My arms fix closely to my body for warmth.  Clouds pass over the sun and the neighborhood turns a hue of grey-blue.  I zip my jacket the rest of the way and put my hands in the exterior pockets.

            I like to sit at the bench by the swings, overlooking the pond.  From there, I watch the water and the surroundings.  A willow hangs over the edge of the pond.  The way the branch bends gives the illusion the tree is reaching out to touch its reflection in the water.  Reaching out toward another world.  Occasionally, I will find young couples lounging underneath the tree.  My first kiss was underneath a willow.  Yves Moore.  Her mother was an immigrant from France, her father from the city.  Both strict Catholics, and with my brother and I sharing the same room there was no place for privacy.  Behind the school we both attended was a large field and a creek that ran through it.  At a particular break in the creek was a willow where many of the students went to show their affection.  “I don’t want you to think I’m bad at this.  I’ve never kissed anyone before.”  “Neither have I.”  A moment so innocent and brief by most accounts should be forgotten in the course of one’s life, but for whatever reason I never have.  Mallards like to rear their offspring in this pond.  Watching the younglings imitate the mother as she dips under the water for food, the way the water forms and falls off her back, is worth the walk itself.  But today there are no lovers, or mallards.  I simply sit and watch the placid water of the pond.  Then I feel a presence coming.  When I look down, a small dog stands before me.  I look around to see if its owner approaches.  No one.  “Well hey there little fella, where’s your owner?”  The dog, a mutt by the look of it—some mix of terrier and pinscher—sits in front of me, cocking its head to the side.  I look around again for someone, but I am alone.  “Well… looks like you and I are in the same boat, huh?  You come to look at the pond, too, huh?”  The dog looks to where I point.  “It’s good to do things like this.  Stare out at a pond and take it all in.  A simplicity to it, a purity.  It’s refreshing, really.”  I look down at the dog.  It continues to stare at me, shifting its head side to side.  I check the time.  “Oh boy, look at that.  I got to get back to the house.  I have a meeting with the doctor.  You wouldn’t know about that, though, would you?”  It just stares.  “Thought so.”  I get up from the bench.  The dog stands.  “You’re lucky, you know.  I envy you.”  As I start to leave the dog follows.  It trails far enough behind I cannot hear it, but I know its there.  When I turn around it stops.  “You go on home, buddy.  OK?  You go home now.  Someone’s probably looking for you.  Go home.”  I turn and continue.  I now hear the dog’s paws on the pavement in the distance until I reach the edge of the park.  The patter of nails on the concrete stops—I look back to see where it has gone.  Next to the sign welcoming visitors to the park, the mutt sits and watches me.  “OK.  Good-bye then.”

            Sitting on the cold wax paper in the examination room while the doctor looks at my results, I focus on a picture of a house: colonial design with two chimneys and six pillars holding up the small portico.  This is a commercial painting.  I see many of these hanging in a gallery in the town square.  Similar paintings are put up in dentist offices, banks, real estate offices, in the homes around where I live.  The purpose is to promote a sense of calm and passivity.  Tranquility.  Serenity.  Sanctuary.  Safety.  Make me feel like I want to be there, walking on the hardwood floors, and looking at the china in the cabinet, or inspecting the marble kitchen top and industrial refrigerator.  Get away and go live in there.  And on most visits, I do.  I picture myself sitting a lacquered red oak table reading the morning paper.  Meryl is there.  She makes those cinnamon waffles.  Belle is there, too.  She’s young again, explaining to me the plot of a story she has created.  Mr. Frog and Carrot are friends because Mr. Frog doesn’t want to eat her.  And Meryl smiles like I remember it always—all within that colonial house.  A place and time I can escape to whenever I need.  But today, for this visit, I cannot seem to focus like usual.  I stare at the painting, but no thoughts come to mind.  I just stare and see my reflection in the glass the colonial is encased in.  “All signs look good, Mr. Dale,” Dr. Hague tells me.  A man in his early forties, male pattern baldness beginning to show, the doctor often smells of department store cologne and medical supplies.  A smell I appreciate.  “Well, that’s a relief,” I smile.  “Yes.  You have nothing to worry about.  It looks like those walks have been doing you much good.”  “Yes.  Yes that’s true.  I feel a lot better.”  “That’s good.  OK.  So I will see you in a few weeks, right, Mr. Dale?”  As I start to put my clothes back on.  “Oh yes, Doctor, you bet.  I’ll be back again.”  “All right.  Sounds good.  Keep doing what you’re doing.  We’re making great progress.”

            Around 2:45 the bus comes to drop my granddaughter, Jamie, off.  “Hehlo, Pappa!” she says as she watches her feet proceed in front.  “Hello, pumpkin,” I pat her on the head.  “How was your day?” I ask, grabbing her tiny hand.  “Good.  We made colors books and I made a green unacawn and pink kitty and Missus Bround said I did good.”  “She did, did she?”  “Yep.”  “Well that’s just wonderful, darling.  I’m so pleased to hear that.  Mrs. Brown seems to always laud you, doesn’t she?”  “What’s loud?”  “Laud, honey.  Praise.  Mrs. Brown really likes to say good things about you, doesn’t she?”  “Uhm-hmm…” she watches her feet go from grass to sidewalk.  “What would you like to eat before Mommy gets here?”  I already know the answer.  Cookies and ice cream. 

“I dunno.” 

“Oh, you don’t?” 

“Mmm-mmm.”

“Usually you tell me cookies and ice cream.”

“…”

“Well I’m glad you don’t want that today.  I’m going to make you a ham sandwich.  And if you eat all of it, I may have some ice cream for you.  Does that sound good?”

“Mmm-hmm,” she nods.

“Good.”

            While we wait for Belle to come, I put in my favorite movie—To The End.  It is a romantic film from the fifties.  Black and white.  No matter how many times I watch it never ceases to move me—especially the final moment shared between the lovers.  In the scene, Cary Grant’s character, Robert James, sits a broken and dejected man.  He has single-handedly brought about his own ruin and his wife, Helen, played by the beautiful Katherine Hepburn has come back to him one last time.  In the apical moment, Helen pleads with Robert: “If you care.  If you have any feelings left for me whatsoever you’ll tell me right now.  Tell me anything, Robert.  I beg you.  Tell me you hate me, tell me you love me, tell me you don’t want me to go.  Just tell me.  Tell me, Robert.  I don’t care about anything anymore.  I just want you to tell me something.  I can’t take this silence anymore.  I don’t want to have this between us anymore, Robert.  I beg you.  Please.  Tell me something.”  Robert sits in his chair, looking out at the world or his own reflection I have never been able to tell which.  His physiognomy is undecipherable, his equanimity unbreakable.  In a final act of desperation, Helen falls to her knees before Robert.  “Just look at me, Robert.  Please.  Just let me know you care.  Just one sign that you want me to stay, please, Robert, I want to be with you.  I don’t care about anything else.  Just give me something.  Show me.”  Robert remains still.

“Pappa?” Jamie asks.  Her crayons and white paper scattered all around her on the floor.  She presses the violet hard into the coloring book’s page.

“Yes, lovely?”

“Why do you watch this all da time?”

“Because it’s a great movie.  Don’t you like it?”

“It’s so sad.”

I laugh.  “Yes, sweetie.  I suppose you are right.  I keep watching with the hope that one time, he will turn and she’ll know and everything will be better.  I keep waiting for it.  Maybe this time it will happen.”

“No.  Is a movie.  It always does this.”

“Maybe this time he will look.”

            But she is right.  No matter how often I watch, and wish, Robert never turns to look—not even to see her leave.  “I love you, Robert.  Don’t you ever forget.  You come find me, Robert.  When you’re ready.  I’ll be waiting.”  As she closes the door behind her, the music crescendos, the orchestra hits those minor notes and the camera focuses on Robert’s face.  A close-up.  His visage still stoical, attention elsewhere, but slowly a single tear forms and begins to fall down his face as the music dies.  And then the credits come.  The End.  My heart beats flushed with ardor, I tear up.  “It’s so beautiful,” I say, wiping my eyes with a tissue. 

“Kissy-kissy movies are gross.”

I laugh.  “They are?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t like any boys at your school?”

Jamie does not answer at first.  That smile little girls are vouchsafed with forms.  “No…”

“Is that a yes?”

“No.”

A thought enters my head.  I recall the morning with Gene Almann.  “Honey… you don’t know how to text message, do you?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“You do?”

“Mmm-hmm.  Mommy lets me.”

“She let’s you?”

“All da time,” she says enthusiastically.

“Oh my…”

The doorbell rings.  Jamie leaps to her feet. 

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”

I stand from the couch, following my granddaughter.  The doorbell rings again.

“Okay, okay.  I’m coming, hold on.”  I look in the peephole.  Belle waits on the other side.

Opening the door.  “Hello, Belle.”

“Mommy!” Jamie embraces her mother.

“Hi, Jamie!  How was your day at school?”

“Good.  I did drawrings and glued, and played with Maggie and Olivia.”

“That sounds great.  Go get your things and you can tell me about the rest on the way home.”

“Okay!”

My daughter stands before me.  She rests against the doorframe, exhaling.

“What a day.”

“An hour later than usual, Belle,” I say.

“Yeah, I know, Dad.  I’m sorry about that.  It’s just I had a chance to make some overtime money and so I took it.  She wasn’t too much trouble, was she?”

“You know she wasn’t any trouble.  But I’m just a little worried about you.  You know if things are tough… I want to help.”

“You’re doing enough.”

“You’ve been coming later and later, Belle.  This is the seventh consecutive school day now.  I’ve been counting.  And you never call to let me know.  You should at least call me and let me know.  I worry.”

“I know, Dad.  I’m sorry.  It’s just… I’ve just got a lot to deal with right now…”

“I understand.  But Belle…” I hesitate.

She watches me.

“I can’t help but suspect… that… you are not being entirely honest with me.”  It hurts to say it.  I feel gutted as the words come almost involuntarily.

“Dad,” she moans.  “What are you talking about?”

“I just worry that you may not be working as late as you say.  Normally I would not judge, but… if this is some sort of retrograding… Belle… I cannot support that.  You have a responsibility to Jamie now and—”

“Are you kidding me?” she interrupts, chuckling at my last remark.  “Unbelieveable.”

“You have a responsibility now.”

“Responsibility?  You want to talk to me about responsibility, being a responsible parent?  You want to give me parenting advice?  Dad.  No offence, but you were never ‘Father of the Year’ material.”

“As wrong as I may have been back then, I am still your father, and the grandfather of Jamie, and I care deeply for both of you.  I want to take care of you.”

“That’s great, Dad.  Great.  Better late than never, I guess.”

Belle calls out for Jamie.  I know I should let the thought pass.  I know it is a silly thing to ask, and I have already tested my daughter enough for one day.  But I have to know.

“Belle, is Jamie… sexting?”

“What?” she looks bemused.

“I saw it on Gene Almann today.  Apparently all the youth is getting involved in this.”

“Dad.”  Belle crosses her arms.  She juts her chin out slightly as she looks up at me in disapproving shock.  “She’s five.”

“I don’t know.”

“That she’s five?  Come on.”

“I’m just worried.”

“She can’t even spell.”

“Well that’s good to know.”

“Jesus.”

“She told me you let her text.  On your phone.”

“She plays little games on my phone.”

“You can do that?”

“Dad,” she looks at me, hiding her face in her hands momentarily.  Belle is tired.  I may have done it again.  “I’d love to stick around and tell you all about the advancements in modern technology, but I got to go.”  She calls out for Jaime, who skips her way in.  Her backpack half zipped, the coloring book hanging out and a clustered trail of crayons behind her.  Belle sighs.

“I’ll get them.”

“Honey, how many times have I told you to zip up,”—her mother shows her again—“your backpack before you put it on?”

“Saury, Mommy.”

“Here you go, kiddo,” I go to hand Jamie the crayons.

“I’ll take those,” Belle opens her purse.  “Jamie, get in the car.”

“Yes, Mommy.”  My granddaughter hops away.

“Say bye to your Pappa,” my daughter instructs.

“Bye-bye, Pappa!” Jaime waves.

“Good-bye, sweetheart.  I’ll pick you up same time tomorrow.”  I missed the hug.  The thought to request one comes and goes.  I open my arms for my daughter.  “Good-bye, honey.”

“See you tomorrow, Dad.” 

She provides a curt embrace.

I say my final good nights and good-byes and head back to watch my movie again, where I hope to see Robert turn and tell Helen he loves her.